No More Assessment Increase! (Said No HOA Board Ever)

The HOA board is thrilled to announce it is lowering assessments by implementing an exciting new program that will actually cut the association’s expenses in half! Here’s how it works.

Landscaping

All residents will be provided with rakes and shovels. The invigorating exercise you get from raking leaves and planting flowers will also improve your health.

The homeowner’s association has invested in a riding lawn mower so you can personally beautify the common areas around your home. Watch for the sign-up sheet that will be posted in your area; sign up early to reserve the mower during the best daylight hours.

Twice a year, the association will rent several gas-powered hedge clippers. You will receive a notice and instructions during the pruning seasons when it’s your turn to trim the foliage around your home. Please use caution when filling the trimmer with gasoline, and refrain from any attempt at topiary.

Utilities

We are lowering the temperature on the water heaters by 30 degrees to reduce our electric bill. Remember, cold water is just as effective as hot water for laundering clothes.

We are disabling half the street and building lights to further reduce electric use. Be sure to add a flashlight to your key ring or belt. We are also disabling the tennis court lights for the same reason. Check the lunar calendar for the full moon if you wish to play at night.

Pest Control

We have renegotiated our exterminating contract. In the future, the exterminator will spray the common areas every other month instead of monthly. If you see a roach, termite, spider or other pest during the off months, give it a good stomp and think of the money you’re saving.

Maintenance

The association has been assured by Smith’s Odd-Job Services, Inc. that, although the perimeter wall is unstable, there’s only a 40-50 percent chance it will collapse during the next fiscal year. Good news! We don’t have to spend money this year to repair it. Please remind your children not to play near the wall.

The HOA board is aware the carpet in the lobby needs to be replaced; instead the carpet will be thoroughly cleaned next week. In the future, please enter through the side and back doors.

The new program will begin April Fools’ Day! This is a little light brevity to lighten your HOA board obligations. Below are some letter templates you can actually use! No foolin'.